Back up and running...

Hello all!
I realize the posts have been far and few between lately... no its not just the mayhem of the holidays... it was the death of my laptop.... She had a great and long life (she was almost eight years old!!!!)

So I am back up and running with my new laptop!!!!! (thank you Santa! sometimes the combo birthday/Christmas gift isn't a screw over!!)

I have nothing to report other than, this is the first holiday food fest I have gone through without gaining a SINGLE pound.
This in it self is a big victory. I so excited to hit the ground running in the new year.
(and with the new laptop it will be OH so much easier to post pics and whatnot!!!)

Good times!

Mind body conection...

This whole new approach to working on my health has really forced me to think about who I am and what I want out of life. It is interesting, I think back to my various sizes and not only my happiness was a factor, but WHAT I was doing in my life at that time was a factor.

The body is way more in touch with your mind and spirit then we will ever give it credit. Working on one, will change the other... not working on one, will effect the other.

This being aware of my body is forcing me to be aware of my mind and spirit. I am looking at the things in my life that are great, and the things that need work.

Work. That says it all. Are we what we do? Sometimes as an artist you are what you do, what you create. I have lost touch with my body, because I have lost touch with my artistic self. I am not feeding my soul, so I am over feeding my body.

It may all sound silly, but it feels real, so I don't care. Part of all of this is getting back to who I am.

At the end of the day, you are the only one that is looking back at you in the mirror. Do you like that person? Do you like what they stand for, and where they put their daily energies?

Small changes can be enough to trigger great change.

This is all me. I am blessed with an amazingly supportive partner who will literally let me do whatever I want. The only thing stopping me, is me.

What is really stopping me then? Why do I sabotage myself? What am I afraid of?

At this moment there are more questions then answers.

It is OK, at least I am asking myself these questions.


If I have reasons to not achieve what I want.... I am safe in knowing I will fail. It is scary to think that maybe I could achieve everything I want.... that's not supposed to happen.

Wow that's a crappy attitude. This is my default programming. The glass is half-full (and filled with toxins)

This is the attitude I need to reprogram. If I remove my own roadblocks, I am more likely to get to where I want to be.

Fuck.

Is it all that easy? Is that it?
Anyone?

the day after

It was my birthday yesterday.

I tend to get very reflective on my birthday... I don't tend to do new years resolutions, I tend to celebrate my new year instead...

This new year I am putting me first, it is a little selfish, but hey, no one else will put me first but me, so someone has to right?

I am still eating a little less then I used to, I am exercising a little bit more than I used to, and I am feeling a lot better about my self and my body then I used to.

Craig

I have this friend, actually one of my best friends in the world. We lived together for well over a year. He is truly one of the most beautiful people I have ever met... not just on the outside but inside too.

His body looks like something an artist would chisel out of marble.

I am so proud of him, because I know how hard he works to look the way he does. He exercises all the time, he eats VERY balanced and healthy.

Its interesting because I see how other people treat him:

There are plenty of people who objectify him, (he looks like a A & F model for fucks sake)

I hear people say bitchy snide things like "oh it must be nice to look like that, I hate him", "he has it so easy being so good looking" and always " I want his body"

It makes me sad, people get really mean and nasty and they don't even know him, they judge him without having any reason to back it up. There really are so many people that think it is all so effortless.

It couldn't possibly be because he WORKS HIS ASS OFF, makes really good choices in what he eats, lives a healthy life, AND makes sacrifices!

Craig is not blessed with some mutant genetics, he comes from solid eastern European peasant stock (I can say this because so do I we both joke that our butts can be called "Bo hunk-a-dunks")

Craig has undergone very extensive and painful rehabilitative surgery on his shoulder, TWICE.

Months of rehab. He has had to work a lot and has had many set backs, just like all of us.

Here is the reality check:

Everyone can have a great body, it just requires a lot of hard work, eating right, and not wishing for some quick fix. It doesn't exists.

We as a society eat WAY too much food, and not of the correct things. And we don't burn enough of it off...

that is why we are FAT FAT FAT.

no other reason. Stop hating on my friend Craig.

I not only got to spend a great weekend with my dear friend Craig; I had the chance to photograph him for some updated pics for his model book.

It was fun, and so insightful. Craig was nervous, stiff, and awkward: seeing how we are BFFs this didn't make any sense...

then it did,

he didn't know how beautiful his body was...

as I coached him and placed him in different poises, he got a little better . When I started showing him the pictures, I could see him finally see himself...

Craig is like so many of us, he still only sees himself as the awkward "husky" guy of his past... he works so hard, and doesn't enjoy it. Craig saw (for what looked like the first time) what we all see, this beautiful chiseled God.

I hope Craig will continue to see himself as I see him.

Beautiful.

Sometimes nothing at all is a victory....

Here I am with no news to report. That's right, no news. Nothing lost OR gained. I am really OK with this.

I feel good. My body is adjusting to all the changes I have been making. My mind is adjusting to all the changes I have been making. Sometimes you just stay without major change. This is OK. This is also why we are only trying to lose 4 pounds a month. Slow and steady wins the race. It has taken a lifetime of yo yo-ing to bring me to the point that I am at today. The goal is to stop the yo yo-ing, and start living a normal sensible balanced life. One that is in better shape.

I am doing much better at the choices I make eating out.
I am doing more cardio exercise.
I am walking more often.

Progress is being made.
I feel better (my body feels better)

steady eddy....

So I have not lost any more weight, but I didn't gain any weight.

It was a TERRIBLE week. Work was long, stressful, and crazy hours. Then to make matters worse I go to the end of the semester department meeting to find out that I might be on the chopping block due to budget cuts. (hey thanks for all your hard work, merry Christmas, we will let you use the copy machine for sending out resumes!)

The thing is, I dealt with it all, I didn't go totally overboard with my eating to cope with this stress and bad news.

I might not have eaten perfect this week, but I ate better.
So the rest I will deal with in good time, I am gonna run on the treadmill.

Glamour of Show biz....

I am tired.

This will be my fourth day in a row of over 12 hour work day.
It is concert week.
It is hell.
It. is over tonight at 10:00pm.

It is also the first concert week that I did not gain any weight.

I am very proud of that.

Now if I could only find a job that didn't have such shitty hours.... and what, give up the glamour of show biz!

Cookie dough...

I have frozen cookie dough in my work freezer... it was being sold as a fund raiser about a month ago...and it just came in yesterday

I don't want to take it home... but worse, I really want to eat some now.
Why?

I am tired, and bored, and a little depressed about the economy and the budget at school, and the possibilities that this crappy community college is going to cut the arts.

I however will not succumb to the siren call of raw frozen chocolate chip cookie dough...
I think instead I will go for a walk.
I have four hours to kill before tonight's event...
Ah music concert week... my last thing of the semester, and then I get to have a life for two months.... yippee!


PS,
Went for a 2 mile walk. it Felt great to get out of the theater, and see this thing called sun light.

Results not typical

I was in an Infomercial. Sort of.
I will not reveal for what, but it was a fitness product. A home workout machine.

I was one of 30 or so "real people" selected to be a part of the "results not typical" shinny happy people you see on those ads.

So what do they mean by "results not typical"
-Two Olympic class personal trainers working out with you 2 hours a day, five days a week, for eight weeks
-A "nutrition" program that consists of a very unrealistic 1400 calories a day
-An inhumane amount of cardio training

Our "Audition" tape consisted of us standing in our underwear talking about how we hated our bodies while being filmed. (no I don't think there is anything worse in the world someone could do to you than that!)

When we were selected we were told that only the top ten biggest losers would be a part of the actual project.

Every week we weighed in, had measurements taken, and calipers were used on us to determine our body fat percentage.

We "lifted weights" on the machine for 45 minutes four mornings a week and did an hour cardio workout. On our Wednesday "rest" day we did an extra one- two hours of cradio.

The ones that really wanted it, and worked hard saw the AMAZING results, and quick. Too quick.
Half way through the experience it felt like you were also losing your mind a bit...
Every two weeks we had progress report filming days.... they took pictures of us in skimpy workout cloths, and we talked about how great we felt... when you were not in the star seat being filmed you were in the background, working out.... for like FIVE hours. we were allowed water, and nothing else.

As each week passed there were less and less of us. It was like a bad reality TV show. some cracked under the pressure and quit, others were asked to leave (I think, I can't prove that, but it was mysterious how some disappeared)

Looking around the room as things progressed it be came obvious that we all fell into a different very calculated type. The house wife, the working mom, the young dad, the middle aged guy, various ethnic types... etc....

By the final week there were about 14 of us left.... I think ten were picked for the final day of filming. It was pretty amazing to see how we had all transformed.
They had big cardboard cut life sized out pictures of our "before". To be extra dramatic, we didn't get to see them until we went into the "filming" room, so they could catch our reactions to seeing the old fat versions of ourselves.

I stayed skinny for about four extra months, and then it all crept back on, plus 10 pounds.

The system worked, but only under the little bubble world of TV. once we lost the personal trainers and the fancy gym... and well life got in the way again.

This Infomercial boot camp didn't change us on the inside, only the outside. I wasn't ready to do this on my own, and it all happened so fast I didn't make the changes I needed to make to have it last.

In the end, they only picked four of us for the final cut. I was told I was number 6.... they might use me in future edits...
I am OK if that doesn't happen.

Looking back, I don't regret doing the infomercial, I am glad that I am finally learning the life lessons I need to make the lasting change.

I did this infomercial in the summer of 2005, right before I met Chris.

Out to eat....

So we went to the TEXAS ROADHOUSE for dinner with our dear friends Kevin and Nate.

Looking at the menu ( RED MEAT is the reason I know there is a God!) I see I have four options for my cut of meat. 6 oz, 8 oz, 11 oz, or 13 oz.... I was ready to order the 8oz and was embarrassed to do so.... So I ordered 11 oz....(some how I am less of a man if I don't eat a slab of meat that is the size of my head...) and for my two sides a salad and mixed steamed veggies. I took shit for "eating healthy" because I didn't order a baked potato. I mean come on. What is so sexy and exotic about a baked potato? (don't get me wrong potatos are also the reason I know there is a God) but really. You can have a potato 24/7, in many shapes and sizes... what's the big deal? How often do you have a potato and it happens to be earth shatteringly different then any other time?

And WAIT! Nate is a DOCTOR, so I know he was just being playful, and not seriously judging me for eating a bit more sensible, yet I still let it bother me?! I need to get a grip. This of course is the same person that doesn't weight more than a buck fourty soaking wet, and the same person that ate an entire slab of ribs.... not that I hate him or anything :)


So no potato, more veggies, and a big slab of meat! I did cave in and have some roles... I mean I can't go all ADKINS, that was so six years ago....

The thing is I only ate about 7 oz of my steak! I took the rest home. I didn't need the potato or the BIGGEST slab of meat to fill myself up or be satisfied.

Here is my shout out to all my Midwestern Peeps.... HOW HARD IS IT TO NOT BE A MEMBER OF THE CLEAN PLATE CLUB?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am officially revoking my membership for the rest of my life!

Week one is over, and the results are......

219.6 lbs!!!!!

Chest 44"
Waist 43.5"
Hips 42"

I carved a little layer off my body. Granted some of this was thanksgiving day wasteland.... but still this is an AMAZING first week.

The plan is to lose 4lbs a month.... not a week. The thing is I am not going crazy with my food intake.... I am not starving myself, I am not depriving myself of food cravings.
I am eating better sized portions.

I feel great. If I just hold at where I am at for the next week or two, I am still ahead of my goal weight. I will continue to eat reasonably and exercise.


Exercise.

We are doing 40 minutes of resistance training 4 times a week low weights, high repetitions.
We are doing 30 minutes of cardio 4 times a week, mostly walking, some light jogging.
This week I am adding some Pilates mat work to work on my core.

Slow and steady wins the race.

The other important factor to remember, Nick and I have a side bet/deal going for motivation... and part of it is to lose 4lbs a month, and even if we lose more than that in a month we do not get to "pay it forward" we still need to lose 4lbs a month.... why you ask? So we don't do the stupid guy thing, get overly competitive, lose to much weight in an unhealthy manner and then yo yo it back in three months....
this isn't my first time at the rodeo....

Thank you to all my followers and well wishers!!!

Doing great, even when I am not....

Good morning,

So for starters, let me say this doesn't "feel" like a diet. I am not miserable or cranky or mood swingy. (well any more then normal for me)

I don't make the best choices at every meal, but when that happens, I make better choices for the next meal... example, yesterday I knew I was going to go to an Italian restaurant for lunch, so for breakfast I had a bowl of special K and a cup of coffee (black) At lunch I went a little off the deep end and had a big bowl of pasta with Alfredo sauce (YUMMY!!!) so to counter that for dinner I had a cup of soup and a salad.
I am allowed to be human and enjoy food... just not go over board all the time, and be sure to keep myself in balance when I do go overboard.

The first week is almost over, and I am feeling great... tomorrow is the day I report weight/measurement changes...

In the past I would get so crazy OCD obsessive about "being on a diet" that I would make myself miserable and then beat myself up if I fell off of it. The big difference now is, there is nothing to "go off of" its more importaint to look at the big picture and be ballanced. Food will always be around me. Temptation will always be there. Its better to be human and have a peice of cake, or some french fries every once and a while... just not at EVERY meal.

Because it is there....

So how often have you eaten something "because it is there"
here is a fun fact about me...
I don't care about pizza (no offense to my very Italian in-laws the family recipe is wonderful)... my point is, how many people love it? Its a staple in our culture and in our diets. Personally I could live life just fine if I never ate it again, however it is an easy fix so that is why I do end up eating it... because it is there.

...it is also one of those magical foods that I can shovel in slice after slice, after slice... and not notice until I am WAY too full...
So if its not something I crave, and its something I know I over eat.... then WHY do I order it.... because it is there....
.... no one delivers a salad bar... and the unfortunate reality of the work I do involves long crazy hours where eating on the fly is required... so I have to plan ahead, and why shouldn't I? seeing how its not like I even love pizza anyway. I can plan out an entire production, choreograph a load in of a two story set in one hour, balance an 18 week performance schedule of two plays, 10 music concerts, a dance concert, three rentals, 10 practicum students, a staff of 6, three production meetings a week.... so on and so on....
But I can't manage to remember to pack a sensible lunch!

So final dress was today, I promised to feed my stage hands, but didn't plan ahead what that would be.... so I ordered pizza...

At least today I only had three slices... I walked away when I was full and not after the fact ...
Truth be told I would have lived with only two slices... at least it wasn't a half a pizza like I know I have packed away in the past.

Baby steps.
Baby steps...

Disconnect

I am a fairly intelligent person.

I know more that the average person when it comes to exercise and the human body. In my teenager years I was a competitive power lifter, in college I studied and minored in dance. I took two full years of pilates. I know how to work out and condition my body.

This knowledge doesn't stop with what I should do with my body. I have read many books on nutrition and food. I know what is good for me, and what is bad. I know how much I really need to eat vs. what I actually put into my body. Plus I have tried all the other stupid diets that I should've known better....

Where is the disconnect?

The one thing in common with every diet I have been on is the disconnect between mind and body, if I never figure out where and why this disconnect exists I will cycle forever in this same loop. What is wrong with me?

This blog is a part of my new approach. It is forcing me to THINK about who I am and why I do and don't do the things that I do. If I have the skills to be a healthy happy me, why don't I use them? What is stopping me, other than me?

It's funny people talk about eating due to emotions, stress, anger, etc... I am sure I do that, but actually that isn't my biggest problem.

I shut off.
When I eat I go into this weird MANIC place and don't think, do hear anything, I just speed up and shovel everything in front of me into my mouth... as fast as I can. I don't really taste the food, or enjoy it. The next thing I know, no more food, and I am stuffed and feel gross.

Time to connect everything in the right places.

How much I need to eat....

So...

I am making a point to eat slower, much slower. (I am always rushing around to the point that I don't take enough time to slow down to eat....hurry hurry hurry, now now now, deadlines, meetings, now now now)

In addition to eating slower I am cutting my portions in half... so that way I am eating a normal portion instead of eating two, or three.... it is said a portion is the size of your fist... I have clearly been loading up the plate, and eating so quickly I don't know that I am full.
Why do I know this? well by eating slower and having less food on my plate the last two days I have noticed the following
A. I am full, and B. its with more than half the meal I normally eat.

So yes it is only day two, so its not like I have solved this problem, but its also day two and I am not overly bitchy, hungry, or angry due to being on a diet. (not any more bitchy then I normally am...)

Taking enough time to notice what I am eating and slowing down how long I take to eat is making a difference... now I just need to stay on track....
....
I can do this

Every Fad possible!

Yep, My whole life my weight gone up an down like a crazy roller coaster....

...I have done the Adkins, it worked, and then I had some carbs....

....I was a vegetarian, worst 4 hours of my life!

..... exercise overload, calorie counting, you name it, I tried it.

....everything sort of worked, like the quick fix it promised... and then I let up and got chunky again.

....I was even in an infomercial.... well sort of... more on that later...

The one thing I did learn through it all, there is no permanent quick fix. no silver bullet. Its about making changes in your lifestyle you can live with, and change takes a lot of time. It will not last if its drastic.... Oh you think it will, and for a while it does.... then it happens. life gets in the way. that set of holidays, or that vacation, or work is crazy.
I don't put my own health even in my 10 ten list of things to do, or 10 most important? and why is that? how can I do my job well, or be there for my family and friends if I don't even take care of me?!

This is the biggest problem I face, there is always a technical rehearsal or a meeting or, 19 other things more important then me eating a sensible meal, or taking time to exercise.

I am putting me in the number one spot, and that doesn't make me selfish or insane... in fact it is totally the opposite.

Monday - Monday!

So Chris (my better half) is on board with this life change thing, this is good, because A. I know he is equally unhappy about his current situation as I am about mine. and B. its easier to do this when everyone in your house is on board!

We did 40 minutes of weight lifting/resistance training this morning!!!


Food today:

A bowl of special K with soy milk
Four cups of coffee (black, this is a BIG departure for me)
1/2 a roast beef sub from Quizznos

Good times, its off to Tech for Dance concert

Starting here! starting now...

DAY 1!

IT took me a while to get to the point that I am at, so it will take a while to get to where I want to be.

I have made excuses, I have ignored my own desires. I have let stress and my job get in the way of who I want to be.

No more.


IT is November 30Th

I weigh 226lbs
my true waist measurement is 45 inches! (yes people you don't know how to measure yourselves)

I am squeezing into my 36 inch jeans!

My chest measurement is 46 inches

My hip measurement is 42 inches

I am 5'9"

I am not comfortable in my own skin, I don't wear more than half my clothes, I don't fit into the tuxedo that I was married in two years ago! This is not OK!

I will be sensible and safe. I am going to eat balanced and healthier and exercise. no fads, no drugs, nothing drastic.

I will lose one pound a week (4 pounds a month) slow and steady, and change forever.


B-rad